I guess that's not really a big surprise, considering this is a blog about me having a baby. But that very thought smacked me upside the head a couple of weeks ago. And man, it smacked me hard.
When we were in Houston, one big item on our never-ending to-do list was to find a doctor and a hospital for the baby. I made a handful of doctors appointments throughout the week and scattered in a couple hospital tours. On our first full day in Houston we had an appointment for a hospital tour.
Now, it's not like I didn't know I was having a baby. I am very aware that there is a little person growing inside of me. But I think I was more focused on the fact that I was pregnant, which is VERY different to actually having a baby and raising a child.
See, I tend to make these big, life changing decisions without really thinking through all the details.
Pack up my life and move to London? Sure, why not! That will be such an adventure! Little did I actually realise that that also meant leaving all of my friends and family and a city that I loved so dear. All I could focus on was how much FUN it was going to be, I never once thought about how equally hard it would be.
Have a baby? Sure, why not! It'll be so much fun to have a little baby around to play with and to grow our family. But did I ever sit down and really think about what a major life change it would actually be, or think about what giving birth was going to be like or think about what raising a child would actually be like???
I'm pretty sure if I had done that I would have scared myself half to death and would have run away screaming and yelling. The more I think about things, the more I make myself nervous. The more nervous I get the less likely I am to do something. I find that with these big decisions its best to jump right in, feet first. There's no turning back when you are already on that plane or two pink lines show up on that stick - you're life as you know it is going to change and you just have to deal with it the best you can.
But walking through that hospital two weeks ago my future suddenly flashed before my eyes. In a few short months I was going to be in that hospital room. I was going to be the crazy lady yelling at her husband and demanding ice chips. I was going to have a baby and it was going to hurt and it was going to be emotional and my life was going to change forever.
And that's when it hit me - I am going to have a baby.
I - am having a baby.
I am going to have to feed and take care of this little being and she is going to depend on me for the rest of her life (well, hopefully she'll move out and get a job eventually). Suddenly, it was more than just being pregnant and being amused at watching my belly grow every week. Suddenly it was raising a child and dealing with boyfriends and having her go off to college - oh my god didn't I just go to college?? She's definitely not allow to go off to college!
Enter panic attack. It shook me pretty good. It could have also had something to do with the fact that we were also moving to a new state, buying a house and two cars all in the span of three months. Go big or go home, that's how we do things around here. So yeah, I was shook up for a few days. But that's normal, right?
Then after a couple of days I did what I always do. I took all those scary, intimidating thoughts and pushed them aside. There's no sense in freaking myself out with all of these scary thoughts about the next five, ten, twenty years. Let's focus on the next six months, maybe one year, and just take it one day at a time. I know it's going to be hard. I know I am going to have many moments and days when I doubt myself and think that I can't do it, and start to really freak out about the future. But I'll deal with those days when they get here. I - we - will deal with them one at a time and get through them the best that we can, because that' really all that you can do.
So for now, until those days arrive, I chose to focus on how much fun this is going to be.